


Game of Survival

by feentanz



Series: One Shots [17]
Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, trigger warning violence but not worse than in the soc books
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-23 02:37:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20884766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feentanz/pseuds/feentanz
Summary: Nikolai turned his face away, leaning his head back against the wall. “I do”, he said eventually. He had never been as aware of it as he was today, and it had never pained him as much. But if he lost her… there would be no revenge great enough to heal the void within him. He would tear the walls of Fjerda down.





	Game of Survival

**Author's Note:**

> based on the song _game of survival_ by ruelle.

Nikolai felt the chains digging deeper into his arms when the heavily armed guard dragged him further into the cave, along metres and metres of dark tunnels. His legs felt heavy and he could barely keep up with the man’s pace, since he was already panting from the effort.  _ This was truly not his day.  _

They had been fighting along the Fjerdan border, meaning him as well as the Second Army, when suddenly someone had put a cloth over his mouth which immediately drugged him. Next thing Nikolai knew, he had woken up in a dark dungeon. And now he was apparently being dragged out again. Where to? He had not the faintest idea. And if there was one thing he hated, it was not being prepared. 

The guard dragged him into a huge room carved into the mountain - or whatever hell hole they were currently in - which was swarming with guards, wearing Fjerdan uniforms. Nikolai was left on a platform right on top, in front of something which looked dangerously alike to a fighting pit.  _ Oh Saints.  _ Was he supposed to fight his way out of this? Zoya’s words echoed through his head.  _ Steel is earned. Remember who you are.  _ Where was his General? He could only hope she had made it to safety, lead the rest of the army out. Her absence stung, even now when he had bigger things to worry about. 

The guard behind him pushed him forward, binding him to the railing of the platform by his metal chains. His expression was frozen in stone. 

“Shouldn’t I be down there in the pit?” Nikolai asked, fighting for a careless tone of voice. And failing, miserably. “Where is the fun in being chained up here.”    
The guard’s eyes met his, and then he was smiling wickedly. The sight sent a shiver down Nikolai’s spine. “The fun is yet to come,  _ your Highness _ ”, the man snarled, turning away and leaving him to his fate. 

Nikolai suddenly felt even more worried, a certain uncertainty rushing through his bones. He had a bad feeling about all of this. A very, very bad feeling. 

Suddenly, Jarl Brum stepped forward. The Fjerdan commander was wearing a smug smile, the sort of smile which made the blood in Nikolai’s veins freeze. “You got very lucky today, Bastard King”, he said, his voice echoing from the cave walls. “You got a visitor.” 

Nikolai’s heart dropped before he even saw the figure which appeared at the end of the dark tunnel, before he even saw her flashing blue eyes, or her dark hair. Because he would recognize Zoya everywhere, in light or darkness.  _ No.  _ He would have dropped to his knees, if not for the chains holding him up. 

Zoya stepped into the light, her eyes searching for Nikolai high up on the platform. For a moment she looked relieved. Then her gaze returned to Brum, who was watching her like a predator, ready to catch his prey. 

“Commander Zoya Nazyalensky”, he commented, stepping closer. “The witch who my men like to call the  _ nightmare _ .” He looked her up and down, and Nikolai felt the strong urge to rip his throat out. 

Zoya smiled, but it never reached her eyes. “I’ve come for my king”, was all she said. 

Brum didn’t look surprised. “You’re welcome to take him. After you fought for it, of course, as Fjerdan tradition demands.”   
  
Nikolai suddenly felt sick. He knew why Zoya was here, had known the moment she had stepped out of the tunnel. She was going to be his champion. An ancient Fjerdan tradition. Trial by combat. 

Zoya gave a half shrug now, looking totally unimpressed. Although he knew her well enough to see her tension. The fear she would never dare to show. “Let’s do it, then.” 

Again, Brum smirked. “Your opponent will be chosen by me, Storm Witch. And no weapons allowed.” 

Zoya’s eyes gleamed. “I have no need for weapons”, she replied, crossing through the cave and making one swift jump into the fighting pit. Her storm slowed her fall, making her land swiftly in the middle of the pit. 

Nikolai was shaking his head. He was hoping he might wake up any moment, discover that this was merely a nightmare of his. But he knew it wasn’t. 

Just as Zoya was turning around in the pit, Brum gestured towards the edge of the cave. One of his soldiers emerged, a man so large that he looked more like a beast. His eyes were dark and deadly, and there was no mercy anywhere to be found. 

Nikolai watched Zoya raise her chin, but she had paled visibly. In comparison to how small she was, the man looked twice her size. Instinctively, Nikolai pulled against the chains. The metal cut into his skin, spilling blood. “Zoya.” His voice echoed from the high walls. 

She didn’t turn, but he was aware that she had heard him. Noticed it in the way her back tensed. 

“Don’t”, Nikolai muttered, not sure if the sound had carried down to the pit.  _ Please,  _ he added silently.  _ Please don’t.  _

But Zoya was raising her storm, the entire cave shaking with the very force of her power. Thunder was rolling, some of the Fjerdans moving further away from the fighting pit in fear. Zoya only smiled at their reactions. 

But then the man stepped closer, and Nikolai felt the cold settle back around his heart. This was not going to end well.  _ What was she thinking?  _ Without a sword, what would Zoya do when her power left her? If this was her plan, it was going to fail. 

Zoya was throwing out her storm now, the wind brushing around her, making her skin glow. She raised her hands, building a shield against her attacker. 

But the man merely smiled, and then he threw his arms out, and walked through the storm. Nikolai froze, watching Zoya take a careful step back, her eyes considering. The wind didn’t even touch him, he just walked right through.  _ Like he was immune.  _ Again, Nikolai ripped on his chains. His wrists were bloody by now, but he didn’t feel it. His eyes never dared to leave Zoya down in the arena. 

“Is that all you have to offer,  _ drüsje? _ ” Jarl Brum snarled from above, a content smirk on his lips. He was enjoying this to the fullest as it appeared. 

Zoya answered with a smile of her own, letting the storm ebb away. For a second nothing happened. Then flames shot out around her, inferni fire burning bright enough to blind. Brum stumbled a few steps back, cursing. Nikolai could see him mouthing  _ impossible  _ at his second in command. 

The man in the arena cursed when Zoya’s flames licked at his skin, now retreating. He was baring his teeth at her, new anger flaring up in his face. 

Nikolai glanced anxiously at Zoya. Fire had never been her strongest element, and he was aware she wouldn’t be able to keep it up. She had been trained a squaller, not an inferni. Even now, her hands were shaking from the effort. The flames were already faltering, although Zoya was clenching her jaw, seeming to physically pull them upwards. 

But her opponent was sensing her weakness. He pushed through the flames, ignoring the burns left on his skin. 

Nikolai’s blood seemed to freeze inside his veins when he helplessly watched Zoya throw another wave of wind at her attacker, but without luck. He slammed her backwards into the wall, his smile brutal when he looked down at her. His lips parted and he whispered something, too quiet for Nikolai to understand, before hitting Zoya hard in the face. 

The chains rattled when Nikolai tore at them, again, and again, praying to the Saints that he might have the strength to rip them out of the ground.  _ Juris, where are you now?  _

Zoya was on the ground, pushing back onto her elbows. She was buying time, Nikolai realized. Because he knew her, and he knew that she had stopped fighting back.  _ But why?  _

Her attacker’s foot hit her hard in the rips and Nikolai flinched, the hollow feeling in his chest slowly spreading. He was not going to watch her die. Not like this. Not for him. 

The monster kicked her again, hard enough to make her roll onto her stomach. Zoya was coughing blood by now, breathing heavily. She was barely moving.  _ He was going to kill her, slowly.  _ Make a show out of it. 

Nikolai turned to his guard. “Send me down in the pit”, he demanded. 

The guard merely grinned. “Worried for your Grisha whore, Bastard King? Hope you enjoy watching her being torn to pieces.” 

Nikolai was going to kill him. He was going to rip his throat out and watch him choke on his own blood. He turned around, the blind rage dying down as he stared down at Zoya, feeling all emotion drain from his body.  _ This was a nightmare. It had to be.  _

Jarl Brum was laughing, having stepped closer to the arena. Then he looked up at Nikolai. “How does it feel to see your General die for you?” he asked, his eyes gleaming dangerously. “Savour the feeling.” 

Nikolai watched Zoya roll onto her back, although he could see how much pain it must cost her. “If I had a sword, I would have cut your insides out already”, she growled at the man in front of her, her eyes glowing with determination even now. She was buying time, still. But for what? Would it even come? 

The man snarled, then grabbed her roughly by the neck. Zoya flinched when he slammed her back against the wall, his massive hand now on her throat. “Whore”, he spit out, pressing even tighter. 

Nikolai felt his heart racing, mindlessly tearing at his chains, looking for some way to get free. Why was Zoya holding back? She could summon lightning with her hands bound, she could defend herself. Instead she went utterly still, her lashes fluttering, like she was bordering on losing consciousness. Why was she giving in? Nikolai felt himself going half insane. 

And then suddenly, an explosion went off. The entire cave shook with its force, stones raining down from above. And in the same moment, Zoya unleashed her power. Lightning flickered through the air and then her attacker was letting go of her, screaming in rage, staring at his hands which were burned in the places he had touched Zoya’s skin. “Monster”, he growled. “ _ Drüsje. _ ” 

Zoya had sunken to the ground, panting, her head leaned against the wall of the pit to steady herself. But she was smiling, and it was the most beautiful and the most deadly sight Nikolai had ever seen. She raised her hand, closing her fist. 

And the man choked, eyes suddenly wide, stumbling and crashing to his knees. He coughed in desperation while Zoya crashed his lungs, his heart, making him drown in his own blood. Her eyes didn’t let go of him once, not even when Grisha soldiers swarmed through the tunnels and into the cave. 

The monster made one last, choking sound and fell over, his eyes empty. He was dead. 

Nikolai didn’t pay it any attention. He watched Zoya collapse next to the body, the panic spiralling freely through him.  _ No no no.  _

Just in this moment the guard behind him gasped audibly. Nikolai whirled around, just in time to witness Nina Zenik bury her sword in his back. “Goodbye”, she muttered, shoving him away, then whipping off her blade on his trousers. “Are you hurt, your Highness?” 

_ Who cared?  _ “Unchain me”, he demanded. Down in the pit, Genya had knelt next to Zoya. He had to see her. He had to make sure she was going to live. 

But Nina shook her head. “Zoya told me not to free you until the fighting is won.” 

_ Damn you, Nazyalensky.  _ She had foreseen every single move, apparently. And risked her life in the process. The whole plan was basically screaming Nikolai’s name. Stage a distraction, wait for the army to get in. “Unchain me now, Nina”, Nikolai growled, not much caring for formalities or diplomacy anymore. “Or I’ll throw you in the dungeons and ship you back to Fjerda first chance I get.” 

Nina hesitated. Perhaps she was more frightened of her commander than her king. 

“Zoya is dying”, Nikolai said hoarsely. The words didn’t leave his lips easily. 

Something in his eyes seemed to have given his emotions away, because Nina slipped closer. Her sword cut through the chains, and then Nikolai was free. “You’re bleeding, your Highness-” she remarked, but he wasn’t listening, instead already on his way down from the platform. 

All around him was fighting, but Nikolai didn‘t even notice. When he sank down next to Zoya in the sand of the pit, he was shaking. 

Genya was pressing her hands to Zoya‘s skin, searching for a pulse. Her face had gone ashen and her lips were trembling. “This was not how it was supposed to happen”, she was muttering, more to herself than anymore. Only then did she seem to notice Nikolai. “She’s still breathing”, she added quietly. 

Zoya’s lashes were fluttering when Nikolai leaned closer, his fingers brushing along the sides of her face. “Zoya”, he tried, not in his right mind to pay Genya any notice right now. “Come on.” 

Genya was yelling something to David about a healer, whose face was almost as pale as her own. He looked ready to faint on the spot. 

_ This couldn’t be happening _ . Not like this. “Don’t you dare die on me, Nazyalensky”, Nikolai whispered, watching her lashes flutter again as she seemed to be fighting for conscience. “Don’t you dare.” 

Zoya glared at him for a moment, her eyes daring to fall shut again. “I saved your life twice already, your Highness”, she muttered. “You owe me now.” 

_ Oh yes he did.  _ “Zoya-“ Nikolai’s voice broke when he watched her body go limp as she passed out again, right under his hands.  _ No no no.  _

He half realized that a healer had joined them, taking Genya’s place at Zoya’s other side. He recognized him as Dimitri, the healer Zoya liked to keep close on the frontlines of battle, in case things might go south. He was the best one, according to her. 

Genya had stood up, still trembling, leaning against David now. Nikolai looked up, away from Zoya’s face, and his eyes found Jarl Brum across the cave. He was held in check by Tamar, who was pressing a knife to his throat with deadly accuracy. She was waiting for her next orders as it appeared. 

In that moment, something snapped within Nikolai. He moved too fast for Genya to react, or otherwise she might have jumped in his path to stop him. A few steps and he had reached the Fjerdan commander, already taking the knife from Tamar’s hands, now pressing the blade to the man’s throat himself. 

Brum’s eyes were gleaming when he looked up at Nikolai, a cruel smile around his lips. “Your love for the witch is all over your face, Bastard King”, he snarled. “Enjoy watching her bleed out?” 

Nikolai’s gaze flickered towards Tamar, who had taken a step back. In her eyes he could see a silent approval. It was all Nikolai needed to bury the knife in Brum’s chest, for a second making him look truly surprised. Behind him, Genya was gasping audibly. 

“You’re a coward”, Brum choked out, when scarlet blood began to fill his mouth. “You let a woman fight your wars and then-”   
  
Nikolai tore the knife out, only to jam it back into the man’s chest an inch higher. He didn’t care anymore. He had stopped caring the moment Zoya had broken down. There was nothing left but hot, blind rage. 

Brum was coughing blood now, his lips painted red. “Your country will burn, Lantsov”, he got out. “And Fjerda will rise.” His body toppled over, dead. 

Nikolai waited for the satisfaction, the triumph about the blood shed. But it never came. His chest remained utterly empty. 

Genya came up beside him, taking the bloody knife from his hands. Tears were gleaming on her cheeks. “We had to take him captive!” she hissed. “Question him, have a trial, a proper execution!” David put a hand on her arm, making her fall silent. 

It was Tamar who spoke next, her voice very calm. “We will tear their walls down. Burn their cities, if we have too.” Her eyes were alight with the same anger Nikolai felt. “The time for revenge will come, your Highness, but it is not today.” Her gaze moved towards Zoya. “Today we will save Zoya, and retreat to the capital.” 

Nikolai nodded, very slowly. When the intensity of the events settled in, his knees almost gave up under him.  _ Your love for the witch.  _ He had never dared to tell her, never even dared to act on it. And now he might never get a chance too. Suddenly, the world was spinning. Nikolai faintly heard Genya calling his name, and then the world disappeared in darkness. 

When he next awoke, his head was pounding terribly. He bolted upright, panting from the sudden effort _ . Zoya,  _ was the first thought which shot through his head. Only then did he notice that he was indeed in his bedroom, in the palace. In Os Alta. 

Tolya was leaned against the wall opposed from him, apparently having kept watch. He bowed his head slightly when he noticed Nikolai awake. “Your Highness”, he added respectfully. “Glad to see you awake.” 

Nikolai was already half way up, shaking the covers away from himself. His before bloody wrists were now apparently healed, since merely some old reminders of the wounds remained on his skin. “Where is she?” he got out, and it wasn’t necessary to specify who he meant. “How many days have I been out?”   
  
“Merely a few hours”, Tolya replied calmly, opening the door and letting Nikolai out into the hallway. “The healer is still tending to Commander Nazyalensky.” 

_ So she was still alive.  _ Genya was waiting outside in the hallway, her face lighting up ever so slightly when she noticed Nikolai. Tolya already excused himself. 

“What is happening?” Nikolai asked hoarsely. He felt like an eternity had passed since they had been in the cave. 

Genya gave him a tired look, sinking back against the wall. “Dimitri is trying all he can”, she replied, running a hand through her auburn curls. Her fingers were trembling slightly. “But she- she had severe internal bleeding and a few broken ribs and it takes time.” Her eyes studied Nikolai. “It’s my fault, really. I shouldn’t have let her come looking for you.”   
  
_ Like anyone could stop Zoya once she set her mind on anything.  _ Nikolai leaned against the wall next to Genya, staring into the empty air. His head was hurting terribly, but it was no comparison to the ache in his chest. “She did it for me”, he said quietly. “She risked everything for me. Because I was stupid enough to get captured, because I  _ insisted  _ to come to the battlefield.” 

Genya’s eyes were sympathetic. “About what Brum said”, she began carefully. “He was right, wasn’t he?” She hesitated. “You do love her.”

Nikolai turned his face away, leaning his head back against the wall. “I do”, he said eventually. He had never been as aware of it as he was today, and it had never pained him as much. But if he lost her… there would be no revenge great enough to heal the void within him. He would tear the walls of Fjerda down. 

Just before Genya could reply, Dimitri appeared at the end of the hallway. His scarlet  _ kefta  _ was hanging loosely off his shoulders, and he looked exhausted, although his skin was glowing. “Your Highness”, he said respectfully, giving Nikolai a nod. 

“How is she?” Genya asked, as if she was afraid the emotion in the king’s voice might give him away. 

The healer sighed. “I was able to heal most of the injuries, although the broken ribs might take a few days. But she will survive, most definitely.”    
The words made Nikolai sink back against the wall with pure relief, which earned him a warning look from Genya’s side.  _ Survive.  _

“She might wake up in a little while”, the healer continued.  _ And I don’t mean to be in the room when she does,  _ his face was saying. 

Nikolai dismissed him with a thank you and the tip to get some rest, turning to Genya. He couldn’t hold back anymore. “I’ll stay with her”, he informed her, if only ease the ache in his chest. He needed to make sure she was going to be fine. 

Genya nodded, like she knew arguing had no point anyway. “Just be discreet”, she muttered, a small smile tugging at her lips. She was just as relieved as Nikolai. 

“Discretion is one of my many strengths, Genya”, Nikolai replied, already on his way down the hallway. For some reason, she seemed hesitant to believe him. But they had bigger things to worry about than a few stupid rumours about a king and his general. Who cared if the people would be talking? 

They would most likely also start talking about the king murdering a high-ranking Fjerdan officer, but Nikolai couldn’t find himself to care one bit. Because Brum’s words still echoed through his head, even now.  _ Coward.  _ And he had been right. Nikolai had been captured, and Zoya gotten hurt in the process. Saints, almost  _ killed.  _ Only because she had wanted to save him. That was a guilt he could never expect to lift off his shoulders again. 

Nikolai silently opened the door and slipped into the infirmary, which was empty. Apart from Tamar hovering near the window, axes still stripped to her sides. She was keeping watch over her commander, apparently. 

She gave Nikolai a silent look of notice when he entered, then strode towards him. “Take good care of her”, she said quietly, then excused herself from the room. 

Nikolai sat down next to Zoya. She looked like she was merely sleeping, a fact which didn’t quite manage to calm Nikolai’s racing heart. He watched her extraordinary face for a moment, taking in the height of her cheekbones, her long lashes, her full lips.  _ Your love for the witch.  _ He ran a hand over his eyes, shaking his head. It could never be. And she could never know. 

As if she had sensed the thought, Zoya’s lids were fluttering. She took a rasped breath, then opened her eyes. Blue met hazel when she gazed at Nikolai, then taking in her surroundings. Immediately her eyes were watchful, her mind at work. Like she was contemplating an attack. 

“You’re safe”, Nikolai said quickly, instinctively reaching for her hand. “We’re in the palace.” 

Zoya struggled to sit up, pain flashing across her face. “Remind me why I saved your life again”, she growled, sinking back into the pillows. 

“Because I’m extremely charming and handsome?” Nikolai replied, trying hard to make his voice cheerful, although his heart darkened at the words. 

Zoya gave him a quick smile. “Must be it”, she replied, taking another deep breath. As if to evaluate the pain levels. “I assume things didn’t go all that according to plan.” 

A wave of regret hit him, and at last he let go of her hand. “I’m sorry”, he said quietly. 

Zoya’s fingers tugged at her  _ kefta,  _ which had fallen down from one shoulder. “It was my choice”, she replied. “And it worked. We got you out.” 

“Next time I’m captured, leave me to die. You’re never taking a risk like this again.” 

Zoya snorted. “Are you ordering me around?” 

“I’m your king.” 

She gave him a challenging look. “Yet”, she replied, batting her lashes. “It might change any second.” 

Nikolai let out an exasperated breath. “You almost died, Nazyalensky. I can’t risk you.” 

Zoya stilled at the words, her eyes searching his face. For the truth lying behind the words. He could only hope she couldn’t read his expression right now. “I need to see the others”, Zoya said eventually. “We need a triumvirate meeting.” 

Nikolai resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “You’re insane, you can’t even-“ 

He didn’t get to finish, since Zoya had already slipped from the bed. 

The pain hit her like a bullet. Her rib cage was on fire, a sharp pain wrapping around her heart and lungs. For a moment she couldn’t breathe, as the pain painted her vision black and she would have collapsed, if not for Nikolai catching her. 

His hands wrapped around her waist and he steadied her, his lips grazing the top of her cheekbone in the process. “You really make a show of not listening to my advice, don’t you?” he muttered into her ear. 

Zoya was finally able to breathe again, the pain ebbing away into a distinct pounding. She felt ready to collapse on the spot. But she needed to see the others, hear their reports. General’s didn’t get any days off, least of all in Ravka. “Shut up”, she muttered weakly in Nikolai’s direction. 

He chuckled, then suddenly lifted her up into his arms. 

She could feel the warmth of his body against hers, her head resting against his chest. “Don’t you dare, your Highness-“ she began, but he was already carrying her. “I’m going to murder you”, she hissed. She didn’t care if she had just saved his life, she could also end it any time. 

“Good luck trying, in your current shape”, Nikolai replied cheerfully, although not convincing enough to sell the act. Zoya saw the dark circles under his eyes, the worry in his expression. Apparently she had gotten pretty close to the edge. She would have to ask Genya later. 

Nikolai carried her straight into the war room, where the other’s were waiting. Genya and David were seated at the table holding hands, Genya’s head resting on her husband’s shoulder as she was gazing into his book. The twins were standing leaned against the walls, quietly chatting. 

When Nikolai opened the door, Genya’s head jerked upwards. “You’re not supposed to be up!” her first reaction was, as she crossed her arms. 

“Calm down, I wasn’t even allowed to walk”, Zoya muttered when Nikolai gently let her down in one of the chairs, and she bit down a gasp of pain when her ribs pounded again. But she shoved it away for now. They had more important things to worry about. 

Nikolai sat down next to her, but she was aware of him watching her. His eyes didn’t seem to let go of her at all. 

“What happened to the Fjerdan army?” Zoya asked. 

Tamar played with a dagger in her hands. “Well, with Jarl Brum dead, we will have some time until we launch our next attack.” 

Zoya’s jaw dropped. “With Jarl Brum  _ what?” _

Tamar’s eyes shot towards Nikolai.  _ You didn’t tell her,  _ her expression was saying. Genya looked suddenly uncomfortable. 

Nikolai was taking in a sharp breath. “I killed him”, he said into the silence. 

Zoya stared at him, at a rare loss for words. Nikolai, of all people. “Why?” she got out. Nikolai, who she had never once seen lose his temper. Who always urged her to act with conscience, to capture and question enemies if necessarily. Who was usually the only one able to calm her temper when need be. 

Now, his eyes were unforgiving. “He shouldn’t have hurt my General”, was all he replied. 

Zoya suddenly didn’t feel her injured ribs anymore. He had done it for her.  _ She  _ had been what made him snap. For a second, her heart warmed at the thought.  _ I can’t risk you,  _ he had told her earlier. Her, or his battle commander? “He’s better off dead, anyway”, she replied eventually, when she had regained her voice. 

Genya glanced at her for a moment, but then quickly turned away. 

“They will appoint someone new”, Tamar noted. “But it will take time and in the meantime we could strike.” 

Zoya nodded. Vengeance was what they needed right now. Fjerda’s taking of the Ravkan King might very well have been an act of war. “We’ll assemble a war council tomorrow”, she told Tamar. “Decide when we march for Fjerda.” They had no idea what was coming for them now. 

Nikolai interrupted. “ _ You’re  _ not marching anywhere, Nazyalensky. You almost died today.” 

Zoya brushed the concerns away with a dismissive wave. “I’m your General”, she reminded him, and he flinched a little at the words, or perhaps she had imagined it. “Let me do my job.” 

“You can’t very well do it from the grave”, Nikolai replied, his tone a little too sharp. 

A heavy silence followed. Nikolai’s eyes were still watching Zoya, something unspoken lying behind the gaze. But he didn’t make another move to speak. 

“Anything else which needs discussion?” Genya said after a while. “I’m tired.” 

Saints, she was tired too. A sharp pain in her ribs accompanied the feeling, and for a moment dark spots were dancing in front of her vision. But she refused to faint in front of Nikolai, and so she gave her best to blink them away and take a few deep breaths. 

Naturally, the king had still noticed. “You need rest”, he decided, getting up from his chair and picking her back up into his arms, despite the tension which had been there a moment earlier. Despite the hesitant look he had given her. “I don’t want my General to faint during a meeting”, he muttered into her hair, quiet enough for no one else to hear. 

Zoya huffed, refusing to acknowledge that he was perhaps right. Instead she allowed her head to rest against his chest, closing her eyes for a moment. Only now did she feel the exhaustion, deep in her bones. She didn’t remember a lot of the fighting, but she did remember that it had been a rather bloody mess, and the remains of it were still haunting her. “This is not my room”, she muttered, when she had finally convinced herself to open her eyes again. The last thing she wanted was to fall asleep in Nikolai’s arms. 

“If you weren’t so irresponsible, I wouldn’t need to keep watch over you”, Nikolai responded dryly, setting her down on the bed which she vaguely recognized as his own. “But since you are, I’m making sure you’re not killing yourself.” 

If she had not been much too tired to argue, she might have slapped him for that comment. Instead she muttered a half-hearted “You’re an idiot, Nikolai”, and closed her eyes again.   
  
He chuckled softly, then pressed his lips against the top of her head. It lasted barely longer than a second, but it was enough to make Zoya’s lids flutter open once more, as she gazed at him for a moment. His fingers trailed the lines of her cheekbones softly. “Don’t ever scare me as much as last night, Nazyalensky”, Nikolai said quietly, voice barely more than a whisper. 

Zoya had enough strength to nod once, before she drifted into sleep. 

Nikolai hadn’t planned to actually watch Zoya sleep when he had brought her to her room, but he was scared to disturb her by moving around too much, and so he just sat on his end of the bed and watched her chest rise and fall. Reminding himself that she was going to live. That apart from her burning-hot temper and stubbornness, she was fine. 

He had some files spread out in front of him, but he couldn’t concentrate. Too many thoughts were running through his head. 

It was after about two hours that Zoya eventually moved, rolling onto her stomach, her lashes fluttering. “How strange to see you actually working for once”, she muttered, apparently having lost none of her spite. “Usually it’s me running your country.”

Nikolai gave her a defeated smile, shrugging. “I suppose I should try to keep up with you.” He watched her push onto her elbows, studying the files. “You’re not missing anything important, don’t worry”, he ensured her quickly. 

Zoya gave him a knowing look, blowing some hair away from her face. She rested her head on the pillow again, looking up at Nikolai. “Why did you snap with Brum?” she wanted to know. 

Nikolai hardly had a good answer for that. He closed the file he had just opened, putting it down on the bed. It had not been Brum standing in that arena. It had not been him fighting, he had not even touched Zoya. And yet… what he had said about her had been enough to make Nikolai go over the edge. Perhaps that had been the intention all along. “As it seems, I am not as cool tempered as I always like to think”, Nikolai said eventually, hoping that it would be answer enough for her. 

But of course, Zoya was not satisfied with that. She sat up now, much slower than just hours before. Like she was calculating the pain of her injuries. “We both know that you wouldn’t just kill a valuable prisoner without good reason, your Highness.” She kept her voice firm, but her eyes were trained on him. They were as blue as the sea. “So what was the reason?”

Nikolai sighed. “He thought he could attack my general without consequences”, he replied. It was the truth. 

“So you forgot all diplomacy and decided to kill him instead.” Zoya’s brow had arched upwards, like she couldn’t quite believe his words. “That’s usually my strategy, not yours.” 

Nikolai very much wanted to change the topic. Because she was too dangerously close to the truth. “Like you said, he’s better off dead anyway.” 

Zoya didn’t look very convinced. “If we would have more time to develop the escape plan, I would have dealt with Brum myself”, she replied, blowing a strand of hair away from her face. 

“The plan was terrible”, Nikolai muttered, feeling the heaviness settle back in his chest. “Getting yourself killed only to buy more time.” 

Zoya gave a half shrug. “It served as a good enough distraction, didn’t it? No one bothered to check on those missing guards by the entrance.” 

Nikolai shot her a dark look. 

Her eyes narrowed. “What did you expect me to do, leave you to die?” Zoya crossed her arms, her gaze challenging. Definitely not any way to speak to a king. “Let me know, because then next time I will.” 

A fight was the last thing they needed right now. Nikolai clenched his jaw, looking away. He didn’t have the energy to reply right now. 

But Zoya was not finished just yet. “ _ You  _ were the one who got captured”, she hissed, her blue eyes swirling with anger. “Forgive me for trying to clean up your mess!” 

Those words had meant to hurt, and they did. Nikolai shot her a sharp look, seeing the satisfaction on Zoya’s face when she knew that her words had hit. She was provoking him into an answer to her earlier question. But she was right, and there was no use fighting about it. “I’m sorry”, Nikolai replied quietly. “The last thing I wanted was for you get hurt.” 

Zoya stilled. Suddenly she looked a little guilty. “It was my decision, not yours”, she said in response, her voice still sharp. “So stop being upset about it and move on.” 

_ If only he could.  _ “I’m not upset with you”, Nikolai muttered in response, leaning back against the head of the bed. He was so tired. And they were going in circles pretty much. 

“Then why are you being so cranky?” Zoya continued to push, obviously hell-bend on wearing off his patience. 

Nikolai exhaled sharpy, giving her a long look. “Because you almost  _ died,  _ right in front of me. Because I watched you step into that fighting pit and then bleeding out while you didn’t even fight back, without being able to do  _ anything  _ about it, because I didn’t know your plan.” He flung the words at her, without thinking. Without thinking what they might reveal. “Forgive me for being worried about you for a while!” 

Zoya’s face had turned blank. She was staring at Nikolai wide-eyed, because apparently she had also understood what those words had implied. There was no reply from her side. Only silence. 

And since most likely it didn’t matter anymore anyway, Nikolai leaned forward and kissed her. Zoya gasped when her lips opened under his, her fingers curling up in the fabric of his shirt as he pushed closer, tracing the lines of her jaw, her neck, her collarbones. The moment seemed to stretch into eternity. 

They sank back into the pillows, cautious of Zoya’s injured, Nikolai now spreading kisses along her neck, lips moving over the soft skin. Now that he had started, there was no stopping. No calling back the raw rush of emotions which he was drowning in, the sensation of his lips on Zoya’s, of her hands running through his hair. It was maddening, addictive. 

Zoya’s fingers were opening the buttons of Nikolai’s shirt, nails scraping over the skin of his bare back as the fabric fell. They didn’t allow themselves any time to stop, no chance to think about what they were indeed doing. How many rules were being broken. 

Nikolai pulled the  _ kefta  _ down to Zoya’s hips, lips now tracing her shoulders, then downwards. 

For a little while, the world seemed to go utterly silent around them. 

Zoya ran a hand through her hair, not daring to move. Her ribs were still faintly hurting, but her heart was beating so fast that she barely noticed.  _ What had she done.  _ For months now, Nikolai and her had danced around each other, the tension between them played off my teasing and snapping, just enough to stop her mind from wandering towards dangerous territory. Just enough to keep herself from thinking of him as anyone other than her king. 

But now they had a crossed a line. When she had heard of Nikolai being captive, Zoya’s only thought had been to get him back. She hadn’t cared about how, what she had to do, she just wanted to go and save him. And she had. But things had gone utterly wrong, then. 

She turned her head slightly, gazing at Nikolai, who was lying next to her now, eyes closed and apparently sleeping. His chest was rising and falling steadily and his hair was messy and golden. She had done quite the job there. 

He had killed Jarl Brum. Because something he had said, something about  _ her,  _ had set him off enough to do so. She had read it in his eyes when he had told her, refused to speak the true reason. And then he had kissed her, and she had just yielded. Yielded to the feelings which she had tried so hard to bury. 

But now the moment was over, and Zoya remembered reality. The reality in which she was a Grisha commander, and Nikolai a king. She rolled onto her stomach, picking her  _ kefta  _ up from the ground. Nikolai had chosen the perfect moment to bed her, because right now she couldn’t just run away and hide like she had planned. Instead she slipped back into her clothing, at least not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing her naked any longer. He needed to earn that right. 

She curled back up under the pillows, ignoring the sharp pain which had crept back up in her body. Instead her gaze found Nikolai again, watching him for a moment. The sudden intimacy was making her uneasy. 

“I can basically hear you thinking, Nazyalensky”, Nikolai suddenly said, a slight smirk on his lips but his eyes still closed. 

Zoya slapped his shoulder in response. “Stop pretending like you’re sleeping”, she hissed, watching him chuckle as he glared at her. 

“I was hoping you’d just join me and stop moving around”, he replied, running a lazy hand through his hair. Behind his eyes, she could still see the worry, the way his eyes clung to her every move. Like he was scared she might slip away any second.

Zoya rolled her eyes. “I don’t do that”, she muttered, playing with a strand of her hair to avoid meeting his gaze. 

Nikolai raised a brow. “Do what, sleep next to people?” 

Having sex was one thing, but sleeping in the same bed was something else. And not something Zoya was particularly fond of. She responded with a shrug, preferring not to go into the topic any further. 

“Didn’t you just sleep in my bed just earlier today?” Nikolai replied with a slight smirk, looking very pleased with himself. 

Zoya snorted. “I was basically passing out from pain, so it hardly counts”, she shot back, regretting the words instantly as she saw the same flash of guilt on his face as earlier. 

“I told you not to go to the meeting”, Nikolai muttered, turning his face away so he was staring up at the ceiling. “But you just love to ignore my advice.”

Zoya sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. She could almost grow comfortable with this. Settle into the newfound intimacy, the silent content they had found here. But rather sooner or later, Nikolai would marry. Find himself a queen to do all those things with. “I should get back to my room”, she said into the quiet. “People will start to talk.” Like they didn’t already. Like the peasants didn’t already call her the king’s whore. 

“Or you could stay, and actually rest for more than five minutes”, Nikolai replied, his eyes gleaming faintly when he turned towards her again. 

Zoya rolled her eyes, rolling onto her back. “Put your shirt back on”, she ordered. 

Nikolai laughed. “ _ You  _ were the one who tore it off, remember?” he commented, but still picked the shirt up and slipped back inside. 

Unfortunately, she did remember. Perhaps it would have been easier if she had just forgotten. But Zoya chose better not to reply, instead pulling the covers further over her body and hiding on her side of the bed. 

Nikolai didn’t comment, didn’t press, but simply turned away to sleep. 

It was dark when Nikolai awoke the next time. The last hours were a blur in his head, and he was not quite sure if anything of it had even been real. But then he turned and saw Zoya sleeping next to him, curled up against his side, her head almost resting on his chest. The image made him smile ever so slightly, and he gave his best attempt not to move too much in fear of waking her. 

He checked the clock on his nightstand, which displayed the time being almost 4am at night, but he was suddenly wide awake. They had made a mistake last night. But he couldn’t find the will to regret it in his heart, not after everything that had happened. Because if he had realized anything during his capture, than that life was apparently very short. 

Zoya stirred at his side, her lashes fluttering in the darkness. “Why are you awake?” she muttered, apparently not yet realizing how much she was cuddled up against him. Her voice was heavy with sleep. 

“We slept all day”, Nikolai remarked.

Zoya pushed up onto her elbows, ever so slightly moving away already. “We didn’t  _ just  _ sleep if I remember correctly”, she replied dryly. “It’s a miracle Genya didn’t already burst in here demanding to know what was going on.”   
  
Nikolai huffed at the thought of that scene. Although he was also aware that the reason Genya had not come looking for them yet was very likely the fact that she knew about Nikolai’s feelings. She was probably suspecting something already. 

Zoya’s face was still close to his, the moonlight from the window illuminating the sharp lines of her cheekbones. She was watching him attentively, now seeming wide awake as well. When he leaned forward a little, just to see her reaction, she moved back. “We shouldn’t”, Zoya muttered under her breath, rolling onto her back. 

Nikolai saw that rather as a challenge, moving as well so he was leaning over her again. “Why not?” He saw her shudder as his breathing brushed over her skin, his lips only inches away from hers. 

Zoya’s gaze flickered down, than up again. “Because you’re my king”, she replied quietly, but not with the usual confidence she liked to have in everything. 

Nikolai allowed his lips to graze the skin of her neck, tracing along the lines of her

collarbones. Zoya sighed at the movement, but didn’t object. He gazed up at her, at her face in the darkness of his room. “Do you regret it?” he asked carefully. There was no need to explain what he meant. 

Zoya exhaled. “No”, she said eventually. “Not really.” She shook her head ever so slightly. “Which makes it even worse probably.”

Nikolai brushed some hair away from her face, in the way he had been tempted to reach for her so many times before. Only now did he not stop himself. “One day ago, either of us could have been dead. So why waste so much time worrying?” His lips brushed over hers, more the promise of a kiss than a real one. 

Zoya didn’t respond, but instead wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. Her kiss seemed to be answer enough for now. 


End file.
